I feel like I am living in a movie where days keep repeating themselves. It is not about routine anymore. I genuinely feel like I am stuck in an endless loop.
This feeling has been recurrent in my mind for a long time now; the thoughts are quite intrusive, and nothing can stop them. Nighttime is the worst period; it is when my fears come swarming and keep me up agitated.
The day starts with me wanting to change my habits, to be productive, and to be in a way useful. I put down all the things to do and divide my day into sections. That is my favorite part of the day when I feel in control. Then, everything comes crashing down.
I will walk you through my list: 2 hours of an online course (any course), 1 hour or more of writing, coming with a piece idea, deep room cleaning, working out, reading, etc..
I am a professional procrastinator, however, I keep nagging myself to be a productive person as if I am in a productivity contest or so. That is what starts the unhealthy cycle.
The unhealthy cycle for me is when I find that I have wasted time, a normal thing people usually do, and I feel like a total failure for not doing the things I added to my list. By this point, my anxiety kicks in and gives me hell.
I asked myself a question, what is wrong with me? Why can't I live to my expectation? The answer is simple nothing is wrong with me.
We fell victims to the high expectations we set for ourselves.These standards we put are only in our heads, no one asked us to put them, or did they?
Our minds are intoxicated with the idea of being perfect, of being the best. We were trained to put unachievable goals and wonder why we failed. We became our worst enemies. We forgot that we are humans who need a break sometimes.
Writer: Salma Saleh
Editor: Youmna Medhat
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